NFL Archives - The Sportified Daily

Tom Brady Unveils ‘Perfect’ Clone of Late Dog- Now with 4 Eyes, 2 Tails, and a Side of Existential Dread

Zippy ZorbitNovember 7, 2025November 7, 202506 mins

By Zippy Zorbit with Dr. Felix P. Furter, Canine Conspiracy Correspondent TAMPA BAY, FL – In a move that has left scientists baffled, veterinarians horrified, and PETA drafting an emergency press release, legendary quarterback Tom Brady has revealed that he has successfully cloned his late beloved dog, Lua, with some minor upgrades. Speaking exclusively to GMA (or possibly a hallucination induced by…

Asante Samuel Jr. Announces Retirement from Football to Pursue Career as a Professional Mime in a Post-Apocalyptic Bubble Society

Zippy ZorbitNovember 6, 2025November 6, 202506 mins

By: Zippy Zorbit, Senior Sports Absurdist In a press conference that can only be described as “what the actual hell?”, Los Angeles Chargers cornerback Asante Samuel Jr. dropped the most baffling career pivot since Shaquille O’Neal tried DJing. The 25-year-old defensive back, known for his lockdown coverage and occasional “I swear I saw the ball” interceptions, has officially announced his retirement…

NFL Trades Today Deadline Ends With Jets Selling Everything Except MetLife Stadium Parking Spaces

Zippy ZorbitNovember 4, 2025November 4, 202505 mins

League sources confirm that the NFL trades today deadline looked at Halloween, said “hold my Gatorade,” and turned Tuesday into a blockbuster cosplay of Madden Franchise Mode on Rookie. In a span of hours, contenders raided the pantry, rebuilders auctioned the shelves, and every beat writer’s keyboard learned the phrase “per sources” by heart. The…