Asante Samuel Jr. Announces Retirement from Football to Pursue Career as a Professional Mime in a Post-Apocalyptic Bubble Society
By: Zippy Zorbit, Senior Sports Absurdist In a press conference that can only be described as “what the actual hell?”, Los Angeles Chargers cornerback Asante Samuel Jr. dropped the most baffling career pivot since Shaquille O’Neal tried DJing. The 25-year-old defensive back, known for his lockdown coverage and occasional “I swear I saw the ball” interceptions, has officially announced his retirement…