Tom Brady Unveils ‘Perfect’ Clone of Late Dog- Now with 4 Eyes, 2 Tails, and a Side of Existential Dread

By Zippy Zorbit with Dr. Felix P. Furter, Canine Conspiracy Correspondent

TAMPA BAY, FL – In a move that has left scientists baffled, veterinarians horrified, and PETA drafting an emergency press release, legendary quarterback Tom Brady has revealed that he has successfully cloned his late beloved dog, Lua, with some minor upgrades.

Speaking exclusively to GMA (or possibly a hallucination induced by too much TB12 brain supplement), Brady beamed as he introduced “Lua 2.0: Electric Boogaloo”, a dog that- according to Brady- is “exactly like the original, just… more.”

And by “more,” he means:

• Four glowing, soulless eyes (for “better peripheral vision during fetch”)
• Two prehensile tails (for “enhanced wagging efficiency”)
• A mysterious third ear (Brady claims it’s “for listening to his motivational podcasts at 2x speed”)
• A faint humming noise (which Brady insists is “just her happy purr” and not the sound of a failing AI core)

“She’s Exactly Like the Original!”

When pressed by a visibly sweating Robin Roberts about the dog’s… unconventional features, Brady remained unfazed.

“Look, Lua always had a spark in her eyes, now she just has four of them!” he said, adjusting the dog’s custom-made, diamond-encrusted muzzle (to “prevent accidental laser beam discharge”).

“And the tails? Lua was always so expressive, now she can wag in stereo! It’s a game-changer for morale in the Brady household. Gisele loves it!” (Note: Gisele Bündchen has not been seen in the same room as Lua 2.0 since the unveiling.)

The Science Behind the Madness

Dr. Lyle “Frankenpup” McGuffin, the alleged geneticist behind the cloning process, spoke to us from an undisclosed bunker in Switzerland.

“Tom’s vision was clear: he didn’t just want a copy of Lua, he wanted Lua Plus. So we took some… liberties.” McGuffin then muttered something about “CRISPR, a black-market organ farm, and a minor incident with a Tesla coil” before the call cut out.

When asked if a four-eyed, two-tailed dog was ethical, McGuffin laughed. “Ethical? Buddy, this is Florida.”

The Public Reacts (Poorly)

Social media has, predictably, lost its mind.

• PETA: “This is a violation of nature, ethics, and basic sanity. Also, we think the dog just winked at us.”
• Elon Musk: “Finally, someone who understands progress. I’m cloning my dog next, with wings and a flamethrower.”
• Average NFL Fan: “Brady’s out here building Skynet but for dogs. I respect it.”
• Junie 2.0’s Vet: (resigned sigh) “I didn’t go to school for this.”

What’s Next for Lua 2.0?

Brady has big plans for his new “perfect” pet, including:

• A came in his upcoming 80% CGI ESPN documentary
• A guest spot on The Kelly Clarkson Show (Kelly has already requested a “no laser eyes” clause in the contract)
• Potential NFL draft pick (Brady insists she has “elite ball-tracking with those extra peepers”)

When asked if he plans to clone himself next, Brady smirked. “Let’s just say… the technology is there.”

As for Lua 2.0? She spent most of the interview staring directly into our souls while her tails wagged in opposite directions. At one point, she typed “HELP ME” on a keyboard with her paws, but Brady dismissed it as “just her learning to use my laptop.”

“She’s a Brady,” he said proudly. “We adapt. We evolve. We defy nature.”

BREAKING UPDATE:

Lua 2.0 has escaped the Brady compound and is currently leading a pack of stray raccoons in a heist at a Tampa Bay PetSmart. Brady has offered a $1 million reward for her safe return, but warns: “Do NOT make direct eye contact. She hates that.”