Trump Demands Russian Ski Inclusion, Threatens “Yuge” Taxes on Norwegian Gliders
In a dramatic twist to the ongoing saga of Russia’s exclusion from the VM ski championships in Trondheim, U.S. President Donald Trump has entered the fray, demanding that Russian skiers be allowed to compete, or else. Known for his close friendship with Russian President Vladimir Putin, Trump has reportedly threatened to impose “yuge” taxes on Norwegian gliders used for ski waxing if the ban on Russian athletes isn’t lifted.
“Why are we punishing these great Russian athletes? They’re tremendous skiers, the best, really. Putin told me so himself,” Trump declared in a late-night Truth Social post. “If Norway doesn’t let them in, I’ll slap a 500% tax on their fancy gliders. Nobody taxes like me, believe me. Sad!”
The Norwegian Ski Federation, however, remains unmoved. Ski President Tove Moe Dyrhaug, while acknowledging the absence of Russian competitors, admitted she misses the lively post-race vodka toasts and spontaneous Kalinka dance-offs that used to light up the championships. “It’s not the same without them,” Dyrhaug sighed, clutching a bottle of aquavit. “But rules are rules, even if it means no more vodka-fueled dance battles in the snow.”
Trump, undeterred, has reportedly drafted a letter to the International Ski Federation (FIS) titled “Let Russia Ski Again (Or Else).” Sources close to the president claim he even suggested renaming the event “VM Ski & Vodka Fest” to sweeten the deal for Norway. “Think of the ratings!” Trump allegedly exclaimed. “It’ll be bigger than the Olympics. Huge!”
Meanwhile, Russian officials have remained characteristically stoic, with Putin’s spokesperson Dmitry Peskov stating, “We do not need permission from anyone to ski. Russia has its own snow.” This statement was followed by the announcement of a new “Patriotic Ski Championship” in Siberia, featuring mandatory vodka shots at every checkpoint.
As the standoff continues, the world watches with bated breath. Will Norway cave to Trump’s glider tax threats? Will the VM championships ever see another Kalinka dance? And most importantly, will anyone remember to actually ski? Stay tuned.
