“Gary Neville Declares Manchester United Worse Under Amorim… Wait, Who’s Amorim?”

In a surprising revelation that has left football fans scratching their heads and Googling furiously, Gary Neville has claimed that Manchester United have become “much worse” under the leadership of Rúben Amorim. The only problem? Amorim has never managed Manchester United. Or even been near Old Trafford. Or, for that matter, ever been linked to the club. But hey, who needs facts when you’ve got hot takes?

Neville, never one to shy away from stating the obvious (or the completely fabricated), made the bold statement during a recent Sky Sports segment. “Since Amorim took over, United have been in freefall,” Neville declared, with his face in a picture of seriousness. “The tactics, the transfers, the vibes-it’s all gone downhill. I mean, have you seen the way they’re playing? It’s like they’ve forgotten how to play football.”

When reminded by a bemused colleague that Amorim is, in fact, the highly successful manager of Sporting CP and has never been within 1,000 miles of the Manchester United hot seat, Neville doubled down. “Exactly! That’s how bad it’s gotten. They’re so bad, I’m blaming a guy who’s not even involved. That’s next-level incompetence.”

Fans were quick to react on social media. One Twitter user wrote, “Gary’s finally lost it. Next, he’ll be blaming Pep Guardiola for the Glazers’ ownership.” Another quipped, “At this rate, he’ll be blaming the Queen for the lack of midfield depth. Oh wait… too soon?”

Meanwhile, Rúben Amorim himself was reportedly baffled by the sudden attention. “I’m just trying to win the Primeira Liga over here,” he said in a press conference. “But if Gary wants to blame me for United’s problems, I’ll take it. Maybe they’ll offer me a job. I hear they’ve gone through, what, 47 managers since Fergie left?”

As for Manchester United, the club has yet to comment on Neville’s remarks. Sources close to the team suggest they’re too busy trying to figure out how to lose to a newly promoted side in the Carabao Cup to care.

In the end, Neville’s comments have sparked a much-needed conversation: is Manchester United’s current state so dire that we’re now blaming random Portuguese managers for their woes? Or is Gary Neville just really, really bored? Either way, it’s another day in the circus that is modern football.

Stay tuned for next week’s episode of Neville’s Wild Guesses, where Gary blames the Loch Ness Monster for United’s defensive frailties.