Gervonta ‘Tank’ Davis Declares Himself World Champion of Everything After Beating Lamont Roach in Boxing Match

By: Someone Who Clearly Doesn’t Understand Boxing but Loves Drama

Gervonta “Tank” Davis has officially declared himself the World Champion of Everything after defeating Lamont Roach in a boxing match that lasted approximately 47 seconds longer than a TikTok dance trend.

The fight, which took place in a Las Vegas arena so sparkly it could double as a disco ball, ended with Davis landing a punch so powerful it reportedly knocked Roach back to 2019. Roach, who was last seen muttering, “I thought this was a dance-off,” has since been spotted Googling “how to block punches and also existential dread.”

But Davis wasn’t content with just winning the fight. Oh no. In a post-match interview that can only be described as “unhinged in the best way,” Davis announced that he is now the undisputed champion of not just boxing, but also dodgeball, chess, and competitive napping. “I’m the GOAT,” Davis declared, while casually eating a slice of pizza mid-sentence. “I could beat anyone at anything. You want me to fight a kangaroo? Done. You want me to win The Great British Bake Off? I’ll do it. I’m unstoppable.”

When asked about his future plans, Davis hinted at a potential crossover into professional wrestling, where he plans to adopt the stage name “The Human Highlight Reel (But Also a Tank).” He also mentioned a desire to challenge Elon Musk to a “who can tweet the weirdest thing” contest, though Musk has yet to respond, presumably because he’s too busy renaming Twitter again.

Meanwhile, Lamont Roach has taken the loss in stride, posting a heartfelt message on social media that read, “Tank hit me so hard I saw my ancestors. Shoutout to them for cheering me on from the afterlife.” Roach has since announced plans to retire from boxing and open a chain of vegan smoothie bars called “Punch Drunk Love.”

As for Davis, the boxing world is abuzz with speculation about his next move. Will he fight another boxer? Will he take on a grizzly bear? Will he finally settle the age-old debate of whether a hot dog is a sandwich? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain: Gervonta “Tank” Davis is here to stay, and he’s coming for all your titles—whether you like it or not.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash