“I Know More About Football Than Anyone, Probably The Best That Ever Was”: President Trump Vows to Personally Fix World Cup “Chaos”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J. Trump today declared himself the ultimate authority on international soccer, promising to personally oversee the 2026 FIFA World Cup to ensure it is the “safest, most winning, and most tremendous” tournament in history.

The announcement comes just days after the President suggested he could unilaterally move World Cup matches out of American host cities he deemed “not safe” or run by “radical left lunatics” . When reminded by a reporter that FIFA, not the U.S. government, holds the contractual authority over host cities , President Trump offered a masterclass in his unique expertise.

“Look, these FIFA guys, they’re great, they’re friends of mine. Gianni (Infantino) is a great friend,” Trump stated, gesturing toward the World Cup trophy displayed prominently in the Oval Office. “But they don’t know safety like I know safety. They don’t know stadiums like I know stadiums. I build the best buildings, the best casinos, the best everything. So, I know more about football than anyone else, probably the best that ever was. It’s true.”

The Trump Plan for a “Yuge” World Cup

Outlining his visionary plan for the tournament, the President proposed several revolutionary changes to the “very, very boring” and “low-energy” game of soccer:

• The Trump Tournament Structure: “Forget groups. It’s boring. Nobody understands it. You have 32 teams, maybe 64- I love 64, it’s a great number, and they all come to my properties. The best properties. We’ll have the finals at Trump National Doral. The fairways are perfect for a pitch, just perfect. We’ll call it the ‘World Cup of Winners.’ Only the best countries. I’ll decide which ones.”
• A Scoring System for Winners: “The scoring is rigged. One goal is one point? It’s pathetic. I’ve looked into it. A goal from far away, a really powerful kick, should be worth at least ten points. Maybe twenty. And if you score from far away, that’s a hundred points. Believe me, the ratings will be yuge. Nobody has ever seen scoring like this.”
• The Midfield Wall: “They have no defense on immigration, and they have no defense on the field! I see them, they just let people run through. It’s like an open border. I said, we need a wall! A beautiful, tall midfield wall. And it will be 100% effective.”
• Tournament Structure: “Forget the draws. Ties are for losers. We’re going to have sudden-death shootouts after every match. We’ll call it ‘The Ultimate Victory Shootout.’ It’s going to be so exciting, you won’t believe it.”

Jurisdictional Chaos: A Beauty Pageant for Cities

The President’s comments have ignited a firestorm, directly contradicting FIFA’s firm stance. FIFA Vice President Victor Montagliani recently asserted, “It’s FIFA’s tournament, FIFA’s jurisdiction, FIFA makes those decisions,” adding that “football is bigger than any individual” .

Unfazed, President Trump framed the selection of host cities as the world’s “greatest beauty pageant.”
“Cities like Seattle, San Francisco, Atlanta… they’re on thin ice. Very, very thin ice,” he declared. “If they want to keep their games, they have to cooperate. They have to be safe and beautiful. If not, we have other cities, tremendous cities, that would be happy to have them. We’ll see what happens. It’s a negotiation.”

The logistical and legal nightmare of moving meticulously planned matches with just months to go was dismissed by the President as “fake news” spread by “the same people who said I wouldn’t win in 2016 and 2024, and look what happened” .

Geopolitical Football: The World Cup as the Ultimate Bargaining Chip

Beyond domestic stadiums, the President has reportedly embraced the World Cup as a powerful new tool for his foreign policy agenda, dubbed the “Art of the Deal, World Cup Edition.”

• On Russia’s Ban: He has previously suggested that allowing Russia back into international competition “could be a good incentive” for them to end the war in Ukraine.
• On Israel’s Participation: The administration has vowed to “fully stop any effort to attempt to ban Israel’s national soccer team from the World Cup,” using its influence with FIFA to protect a key ally.
• On Iranian Fans: Citing his travel ban, the President plans to block fans from Iran from entering the country, a move described by an aide as leveraging “whatever he has to to actually create peace around the world”.

As the world grapples with this new, unpredictable force in international soccer, one thing is certain: the road to the 2026 World Cup will be anything but smooth. When asked for a final comment, President Trump offered a reassuring, if characteristically self-assured, prediction.

“Don’t worry about a thing,” he said. “It’s going to be great. The greatest World Cup ever. Everyone is saying it. And it will be so safe, you won’t believe it. Because I, and I alone, know how to win. And I will win again”