Manchester United discover the vertical dimension: Liverpool outjumped, outfoxed, and outhoofed

The day Anfield briefly became Heathrow and Manchester United landed all the flights

Manchester United have discovered a revolutionary tactical concept: up. While Liverpool’s high press hunted passing lanes like truffle pigs, Ruben Amorim simply looked skyward, pointed, and Manchester United obliged by turning Anfield’s famous Kop end into a runway for long-haul deliveries.

According to Opta, Manchester United have attempted more long passes than anyone in the Premier League this season. And against Liverpool, United embraced the title with the subtlety of a trebuchet. New keeper Senne Lammens spent 90 minutes treating the ball like a helium balloon at a child’s birthday party- nine completed passes out of 46, and not a single short one in sight. Somewhere, Wimbledon’s Crazy Gang nodded approvingly and whispered: “Respect your elders.”

This wasn’t route one. It was a motorway with no speed limit.

Amorim’s 3-4-3: when in doubt, go long, win the second ball, win the war

Ruben Amorim didn’t hide the plan, because why bother? The plan was visible from space. Load up on power up front, contest second balls like your mortgage depends on it, and turn the midfield into a trampoline. Liverpool manager Arne Slot called out the long balls and low block after his side’s 2-1 defeat, and to be fair, he had a point- chiefly pointed toward the clouds, where the action mostly was.

But satire meets scoreline: Bryan Mbeumo stunned Liverpool with an early goal, Cody Gakpo answered at point-blank range, and then Harry Maguire, yes, defender Harry “No-nonsense forehead like a cathedral door” Maguire- thundered in a late header from a Bruno Fernandes delivery. It was the kind of goal that makes centre-halves believe in astrology.

Manchester United fans called it vintage. Purists called it medieval. United’s analytics team called it: “466 long passes and counting; next slide, please”

Lammens the Launcher and the second-ball symposium

The Belgian keeper has been such a throwback that VHS sales might spike. He replaced Altay Bayindir and instantly replaced the concept of “playing out from the back” with “playing out of the stratosphere.” If Liverpool wanted passing triangles, Manchester United gave them kites. And somehow, it worked- because Amorim’s United didn’t just boot and hope; they booted, battled, and nicked the moments that mattered.

Liverpool created chances enough that Slot will have muttered “xG” like a mantra on the team bus, yet Mo Salah and Gakpo had rare off days in front of goal. United, meanwhile, cashed in their second-ball dividend.

Carragher’s conundrum: giant-killer system, flat-track doubts

Jamie Carragher, channelling your tough but fair football uncle, reckons Amorim’s 3-4-3 is perfect for the big away day ambush, City, Anfield, Arsenal in a cup tie, but might struggle to impose itself on teams who show up at Old Trafford to sit in and ask questions like “What exactly is your plan when we’re not bombing forward?” It’s a fair question. But for now, Manchester United have bigger problems- like figuring out how to keep Lammens from filing a flight plan before kick-off.

The keyword is Manchester United. The punchline is also Manchester United.

• Manchester United didn’t just beat Liverpool; they rewrote the tactical handbook with a crayon and stapled it to the clouds.
• Manchester United are top of the long-pass charts, kings of the direct route, monarchs of the meteorological midfield.
• Manchester United might not out-pass you. They might not out-possess you. But they just outdid Liverpool at Anfield, and that’s the only stat that matters on Monday morning.

Next up: Brighton at Old Trafford. Expect the seagulls to feel dangerously at home as the ball achieves regular coastal orbit.