Welcome to the Enhanced Games: Where ‘Doping’ Is Just Another Word for ‘Breakfast’
The Future of Sports? Or a Silicon Valley-Backed Circus?
In a bold move that has left traditional sports organizations shaking in their sweat-wicking leggings, the Enhanced Games- set to debut in May 2026 in Las Vegas, promise to revolutionize athletics by allowing performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs). Forget “faster, higher, stronger”; the new motto is “faster, higher, and heavily medicated” .
Founded by Australian entrepreneur Aron D’Souza, the Games position themselves as the woke cousin of the Olympics- if the Olympics were sponsored by a pharmaceutical company and held in a nightclub. D’Souza argues that athletes should have the freedom to “do what they wish with their own bodies” . Because nothing says “my body, my choice” like injecting enough testosterone to make a Viking blush.
Events: From Track to ‘Track and Field… of Dreams’
The Games will feature swimming, track and field, and weightlifting, though gymnastics and combat sports were wisely scrapped. Imagine steroid-fueled gymnasts launching themselves into orbit, or boxers punching holes through walls. Safety first, folks! .
Highlights include:
- The 100m Sprint: Now featuring athletes who can outrun cheetahs (and their own legal problems).
- Weightlifting: Where competitors bench-press small cars and sob emotionally during national anthems.
- Swimming: Participants grow gills mid-race, and the pool is rumored to be filled with electrolyte-enriched kale smoothies.
Athletes: ‘Juicing to the Gills’ for Glory (and Cash)
The Games have attracted stars like Australian swimmer James Magnussen, who proudly announced he would “juice to the gills” to break the 50m freestyle world record for a $1 million prize . When asked about his training regimen, Magnussen said, “I’ll take anything that isn’t nailed down.” Meanwhile, Greek swimmer Kristian Gkolomeev already unofficially broke the record- allegedly with a little “help” from his friends at Pfizer .
Other participants include:
- Ben Proud: British swimmer who realized silver medals won’t pay the bills, but viral notoriety might.
- Fred Kerley: American sprinter who now runs so fast he time-travels.
- Megan Romano: Because why not?
Investors: Because Nothing Says ‘Ethical’ Like Peter Thiel and Donald Trump Jr.
The Games are backed by venture capitalists who clearly watched too much Black Mirror as children. PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel, German billionaire Christian Angermayer, and Donald Trump Jr.’s 1789 Capital have all thrown money at the project . Trump Jr. called the Games “the future- real competition, real freedom, and real records being smashed,” presumably while nodding approvingly at a picture of his father lifting a dumbbell.
The business model? Selling direct to consumer performance enhancers, because what could go wrong when everyone’s grandma starts injecting growth hormone to win bingo night? .
Safety Measures: ‘We’re Not Doctors, But We Play Them on TV’
Organizers insist the Games are safe- ish. Athletes must pass a medical screening and use only FDA-approved substances (sorry, cocaine and heroin fans). However, there are no drug tests. Let that sink in: an event encouraging chemical enhancement won’t test for chemicals. It’s like a buffet that doesn’t check if you’re sneaking in your own spaghetti.
The official spokesperson for the Games, Dr. I.M. Quack, MD (probably), stated, “We’re pioneering a new era of medically supervised chaos.” Meanwhile, real doctors are facepalming so hard they risk concussions .
Critics: ‘This Is a Clown Show’
Not everyone is onboard. Travis Tygart, CEO of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, called the Games a “dangerous clown show” . The International Olympic Committee wept quietly in a corner. Scientists warned that encouraging PED use could lead to athletes evolving into unrecognizable beings- like Marvel villains, but with better sponsorship deals.
Even Sports Medicine Australia chimed in, noting that no healthcare professionals support the Games. But hey, since when has science ever stopped progress? .
Why You Should Watch (Besides the Schadenfreude)
The Enhanced Games offer something for everyone:
- For athletes: A chance to win life-changing money and possibly grow a third arm.
- For viewers: The thrill of seeing humans transform into superheroes- or crash mid-race like a Tesla on autopilot.
- For ethicists: A lifetime supply of material to debate at parties.
So mark your calendars for May 2026! The Enhanced Games: where winning isn’t everything…. it’s the only thing that matters, even if you glow in the dark afterward.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Please do not attempt to break world records using performance-enhancing drugs unless you have a good lawyer and a death wish.
Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay
