José Mourinho Declares African American Identity, Claims Immunity to Racism Allegations

José Mourinho has announced that he identifies as African American, thereby rendering all accusations of racism against him “biologically and culturally impossible.” The announcement comes after Galatasaray threatened to file a police complaint against the Fenerbahçe manager for alleged racist remarks during the heated Istanbul derby.

Mourinho, known for his tactical genius and flair for the dramatic, held an impromptu press conference in Rome, where he revealed his newfound identity. “I have always felt a deep connection to African American culture,” Mourinho declared, wearing a flat-brimmed hat sideways and holding a boombox playing Tupac’s Changes. “From my love of jazz to my undeniable swagger, it’s clear that I am, at heart, a brother.”

The Portuguese manager, who has never shied away from controversy, explained that his revelation was inspired by a recent rewatch of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. “Will Smith is my spirit animal,” Mourinho said, snapping his fingers for emphasis. “I even tried the Carlton dance in my office. My assistant coach cried tears of joy -or maybe it was horror. Either way, it was emotional.”

Galatasaray officials were unimpressed. “This is a blatant attempt to deflect from the serious allegations against him,” said a club spokesperson. “Just because he’s quoting Boyz n the Hood doesn’t mean he’s not a racist. This isn’t a Netflix series, José.”

Mourinho, however, remains unfazed. He has since updated his Twitter bio to read: “Special One. African American Icon. Tactician. Philanthropist. Part-time DJ.” He also posted a selfie wearing a durag and gold chains, captioned: “Stay woke, my friends.”

The football community is divided. Some have praised Mourinho for his “bold embrace of intersectionality,” while others have accused him of cultural appropriation. “This is peak Mourinho,” said one pundit. “He’s turned a racism scandal into a conversation about identity politics. Love him or hate him, you can’t ignore him.”

Meanwhile, African American leaders have expressed mixed feelings. “While we appreciate José’s enthusiasm, identifying as African American isn’t something you can just declare on a whim,” said one activist. “It’s not a costume or a tactical formation. That said, if he wants to donate to Black Lives Matter, we won’t say no.”

As the debate rages on, Mourinho has already moved on to his next project: a rap album titled The Special Flow. “It’s going to be fire,” he promised. “Jay-Z, watch out. There’s a new king of hip-hop in town.”

Whether this is a masterstroke of PR or a midlife crisis in real time, one thing is certain: José Mourinho has once again proven that he’s the most entertaining man in football. And if nothing else, at least he’s keeping us all talking.