December 3, 2025
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Zippy Zorbit

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Asante Samuel Jr. Announces Retirement from Football to Pursue Career as a Professional Mime in a Post-Apocalyptic Bubble Society
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Category: The rest

Tom Brady Unveils ‘Perfect’ Clone of Late Dog- Now with 4 Eyes, 2 Tails, and a Side of Existential Dread

Zippy Zorbit06 mins

By Zippy Zorbit with Dr. Felix P. Furter, Canine Conspiracy Correspondent TAMPA BAY, FL – In a move that has left scientists baffled, veterinarians horrified, and PETA drafting an emergency press release, legendary quarterback Tom Brady has revealed that he has successfully cloned his late beloved dog, Lua, with some minor upgrades. Speaking exclusively to GMA (or possibly a hallucination induced by…

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Asante Samuel Jr. Announces Retirement from Football to Pursue Career as a Professional Mime in a Post-Apocalyptic Bubble Society

Zippy Zorbit06 mins

By: Zippy Zorbit, Senior Sports Absurdist In a press conference that can only be described as “what the actual hell?”, Los Angeles Chargers cornerback Asante Samuel Jr. dropped the most baffling career pivot since Shaquille O’Neal tried DJing. The 25-year-old defensive back, known for his lockdown coverage and occasional “I swear I saw the ball” interceptions, has officially announced his retirement…

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Kelce Yells, Reid Hip‑Checks, Chiefs Win: Sideline Soap Opera 101

Zippy Zorbit07 mins

MetLife Stadium, Selkirk’s Row, or Whatever Sideline Is Called These DaysSunday Night -Somewhere between a missed field goal and whiskey‑flavored chips It was supposed to be a regular NFL Sunday: Chiefs up 6‑0, Giants just trying not to fall asleep on defense, fans checking their phones, refs checking their watches. Then, as if scripted by…

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Welcome to the Enhanced Games: Where ‘Doping’ Is Just Another Word for ‘Breakfast’ 

Zippy Zorbit07 mins

The Future of Sports? Or a Silicon Valley-Backed Circus? In a bold move that has left traditional sports organizations shaking in their sweat-wicking leggings, the Enhanced Games- set to debut in May 2026 in Las Vegas, promise to revolutionize athletics by allowing performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs). Forget “faster, higher, stronger”; the new motto is “faster, higher,…

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Mondo Duplantis Breaks World Record Again, Announces Plan to Vault Over Bank Vault for Next Trick

Zippy Zorbit012 mins

How One Man Is Single-Handedly Making Gravity Look Like a Mere Suggestion In a stunning display of what scientists are calling “complete disregard for the laws of physics,” Swedish-American pole vault phenomenon Armand “Mondo” Duplantis has broken the world record for the 14th time, clearing 6.30 meters at the World Athletics Championships in Tokyo while…

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Armand Duplantis Breaks World Record, World Yawns Politely

Zippy Zorbit04 mins

STOCKHOLM– Armand “Mondo” Duplantis has once again shattered the pole vault world record, clearing an astonishing 6.29 meters. The crowd erupted in cheers, the commentators lost their minds, and somewhere, a janitor at the stadium muttered, “Again?” before going back to mopping. “Oh, Another One?” – The Entire Athletics Community At this point, Duplantis breaking…

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White House Announces Task Force to Ensure U.S. Wins World Cup by Inventing New Sport Entirely

Zippy Zorbit06 mins

Washington, D.C.  In a bold and slightly confusing move, the White House has unveiled a new task force dedicated to ensuring the United States wins the 2026 World Cup. The twist? They’re not planning to win at soccer. Instead, they’re inventing an entirely new sport called “FootBallDash,” which they hope FIFA will adopt by 2026….

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Gervonta ‘Tank’ Davis Declares Himself World Champion of Everything After Beating Lamont Roach in Boxing Match

Zippy Zorbit04 mins

By: Someone Who Clearly Doesn’t Understand Boxing but Loves Drama Gervonta “Tank” Davis has officially declared himself the World Champion of Everything after defeating Lamont Roach in a boxing match that lasted approximately 47 seconds longer than a TikTok dance trend. The fight, which took place in a Las Vegas arena so sparkly it could…

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Trump Demands Russian Ski Inclusion, Threatens “Yuge” Taxes on Norwegian Gliders

Zippy Zorbit03 mins

In a dramatic twist to the ongoing saga of Russia’s exclusion from the VM ski championships in Trondheim, U.S. President Donald Trump has entered the fray, demanding that Russian skiers be allowed to compete, or else. Known for his close friendship with Russian President Vladimir Putin, Trump has reportedly threatened to impose “yuge” taxes on…

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