The Agonizing Art of Slow Play: A Golfing Tragedy in Snail-Time
Ah, slow play in golf -a sport where the only thing slower than the players is the grass growing on the fairway. If you’ve ever watched a round of golf and thought, “I could have baked a soufflé, written a novel, and aged five years in the time it took that guy to line up his putt,” then you, my friend, have experienced the exquisite torture of slow play.
Enter the Cognizant Classic, where one PGA pro has taken slow play to an art form. This maestro of molasses-paced golf has left commentators, fans, and possibly even his own caddie questioning the very fabric of time itself. Watching him play is like watching paint dry, except the paint is also thinking about its life choices.
The experts are, predictably, losing their minds. One commentator described the experience as “watching a sloth on sedatives try to solve a Rubik’s Cube.” Another admitted, “It hurts. It physically hurts. My back is sore from sitting here so long, and I’m pretty sure I’ve developed a stress rash.” The real question is: is this golfer a strategic genius, or is he just trying to outlast his opponents by boring them into submission?
Let’s break down the routine. First, there’s the pre-shot ritual. He stares at the ball like it owes him money. Then he takes a practice swing. Then another. Then another. By the time he actually swings, the ball has grown moss. Meanwhile, the group behind him is slowly descending into madness, muttering things like, “Is he waiting for a written invitation from the hole?” and “I swear if he takes one more practice swing, I’m going to start throwing tees at him.”
And don’t even get me started on the putting. Watching him read the green is like watching a detective solve a crime. He crouches. He squints. He walks around the hole like he’s trying to decipher ancient hieroglyphs. By the time he finally taps the ball, the crowd has started a betting pool on whether the sun will set before he finishes the round.
But perhaps the most impressive part of this slow-play symphony is the sheer commitment. This golfer isn’t just slow -he’s dedicated to being slow. It’s as if he’s taken a solemn vow to test the limits of human patience. And you have to admire that level of dedication, even if it makes you want to scream into a pillow.
So, here’s to the slow players of golf. May they continue to baffle, infuriate, and inspire us all. After all, what’s golf without a little existential dread and the occasional nap between shots?
Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash
