White House Announces Task Force to Ensure U.S. Wins World Cup by Inventing New Sport Entirely
Washington, D.C. In a bold and slightly confusing move, the White House has unveiled a new task force dedicated to ensuring the United States wins the 2026 World Cup. The twist? They’re not planning to win at soccer. Instead, they’re inventing an entirely new sport called “FootBallDash,” which they hope FIFA will adopt by 2026.
“Look, we’ve tried soccer for decades, and let’s be honest, it’s not really our thing,” said President Donald Trump during a press conference held in the Rose Garden, where reporters were handed miniature foam fingers and hot dogs. “But we’re Americans. If we can’t win the game, we’ll just change the rules. That’s how we invented football, basketball, and the McRib.”
The newly formed task force, officially named the Department of Winning Stuff (DOWS), is composed of former athletes, politicians, and one guy who once won a hot dog eating contest in Coney Island. Their mission is clear: create a sport that combines the best elements of soccer, football, and competitive shopping.
FootBallDash: The Future of Sports?
Details about FootBallDash are still emerging, but early reports suggest it will involve 22 players on a field, two balls (one soccer, one football), and a 30-second “Black Friday” period where players can tackle each other for discounts on Nike gear. Goals will be worth varying points depending on how many times the scorer celebrates with a backflip or a dab.
“We’re also adding a halftime show featuring Taylor Swift and a drone light display,” said DOWS spokesperson Chad McWinnington. “And if the game ends in a tie, we’ll settle it with a penalty shootout, except the penalties will be taken by trained bald eagles. It’s very on-brand.”
Global Reaction: Confusion and Mild Panic
Unsurprisingly, the international community has reacted with a mix of confusion and mild panic. FIFA President Gianni Infantino was reportedly seen pacing his office muttering, “They can’t just do that,” while the rest of the world collectively sighed and said, “Of course they can. They’re America.”
England’s Football Association released a statement saying, “This is an outrage. Football is football. You can’t just add shopping carts and call it a new sport.” Meanwhile, Brazil’s national team coach was overheard saying, “I mean, if they’re giving out free sneakers, I might play.”
Domestic Support: Mixed but Enthusiastic
Back home, reactions have been mixed but largely enthusiastic. “I don’t know what FootBallDash is, but if it means we finally beat England at something, I’m in,” said one fan outside a Buffalo Wild Wings in Ohio. Another added, “As long as there’s beer and nachos, I’ll watch anything.”
However, not everyone is on board. Soccer purists have taken to social media to express their outrage, with one X user writing, “This is why we can’t have nice things. Next thing you know, they’ll add a fourth base to baseball and call it ‘Super Rounders.’”
What’s Next?
The White House has already begun lobbying FIFA to adopt FootBallDash as the official sport of the 2026 World Cup, which the U.S. is co-hosting with Canada and Mexico. Insiders say the administration is prepared to sweeten the deal by offering FIFA executives lifetime supplies of American cheese and front-row seats to NASCAR races.
When asked if he was concerned about the global backlash, President Trump shrugged and said, “Hey, if they don’t like it, they can start their own task force. But good luck inventing something better than FootBallDash. We’ve already trademarked it, it is the best taskforce ever. There have never been a better taskforce than this, I say!”
As the world braces for the inevitable chaos of FootBallDash, one thing is clear: America may not win the World Cup, but they’re definitely winning at being America.
