Armand Duplantis Breaks World Record Again, World Yawns Politely
STOCKHOLM– Armand “Mondo” Duplantis has once again shattered the pole vault world record, clearing an astonishing 6.29 meters. The crowd erupted in cheers, the commentators lost their minds, and somewhere, a janitor at the stadium muttered, “Again?” before going back to mopping.
“Oh, Another One?” – The Entire Athletics Community
At this point, Duplantis breaking world records has become as predictable as Norwegian weather in November- cold, relentless, and slightly depressing for anyone trying to keep up. Since 2020, the Swedish-American phenom has rewritten the record books so many times that the IAAF (International Association of Athletics Federations) has reportedly started printing his name in pencil just to save ink.
When asked how he felt about his latest achievement, Duplantis reportedly shrugged and said, “I dunno, man, I just kinda jump over stuff.” Meanwhile, his competitors have resorted to staring at the bar in existential despair, wondering if they should just switch careers to competitive knitting.
Scientists Baffled by Human Who Defies Physics
Physicists around the globe are reportedly losing sleep over Duplantis’ ability to casually bend the laws of gravity while looking like he just rolled out of bed. “We’ve run the numbers, and according to our calculations, he should not be able to do this,” said one researcher, before bursting into tears. “He’s basically a pogo stick with a sponsorship deal.”
Meanwhile, engineers are frantically examining his poles for hidden jet propulsion systems, because surely no human should be able to launch themselves that high without at least a small explosion.
What’s Next for Mondo?
At this rate, experts predict that by 2026, Duplantis will either:
- Vault straight to the moon, forcing NASA to update its astronaut requirements to include “must clear 10.0m in pole vault.”
- Get bored and start pole vaulting over buildings, leading to a new Olympic event: Urban Free Vaulting.
- Retire out of sheer lack of competition, leaving the rest of the field to fight over who can clear the height of a standard coffee table.
Until then, the world will continue to watch in awe (and mild exhaustion) as Duplantis casually resets the bar- literally, while the rest of us struggle to jump over a puddle without pulling a muscle.
Final Thought: If you’re a pole vaulter not named Armand Duplantis, maybe consider taking up a less demoralizing sport, like competitive crying. It’s less painful.
